Are you a people pleaser? Do you find yourself constantly doing things for other people “so they like you?” How do you get over being a constant martyr? YourTango Experts (including me!) discuss.
Are you a People Pleaser and want to take your life back?
Some people pleasing comes inherent with personality styles and some comes from lack of confidence and wanting people to like you. If you tell them what they want to hear and do what they want you to do, will they like you? Maybe, but they are either thinking they are getting to know the real you and aren’t or they may be taking advantage of you, because they see that they can. Either way, people pleasing usually means and unequal, unfulfilled relationship, whether significant other, friend, family member or coworker.
Does every relationship have to be equal? Absolutely not. You may have different strengths and complement one another. That being said, if you are doing all the work and feeling drained and disenchanted about your relationship, it’s time for a change.
Women especially, have been taught “don’t make waves,” and “keep the peace,” which equates to people pleasing behavior but does this serve us? How many of us think if we are the good girl, people will like us? I thought that for much of my life and it lead me to have low self-esteem and make less-than-healthy choices based on that level of self-esteem.
It wasn’t until I was an adult and tired of how my life was unfolding that I began to recognize a life of attempting to please everyone left me alone and scared.
At this point, I chose to be sure whatever I did for others was also healthy and positive for me. This step was the biggest I’d ever taken and although scary at first, I began to find out who I really was. And learning that I was a good person who didn’t need to bend over backwards to prove it so others would like me allowed me to like me. A journey? Yes. Worth it? Absolutely!
If you’re a people pleaser by personality style (Amiable), keep in mind that you can please all you want but first and foremost is self-care. You must protect yourself from those who take advantage. That has to do with raising your vibration, which you can read about here.
Check out this video to see what some experts say about being a people pleaser and let me know what you think in the comments below.
Hi Kelly,
I learned that being a people pleaser could make you look needy and weak. I know I’m not a people pleaser and I will tell a person they can do it themselves because I do not want to make a person become dependent because you could be enabling them instead of teaching them to stand on their own two feet.
Thank you, Arletha. If you think about it, not only can you look weak and needy but you can stop making healthy decisions for yourself by going along with what everyone else says and that would actually cause you to weaken. You make a very good point. Thank you for your comment!